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1 Enter Horner, and Quack following him at a Distance.
2 Horner. [Aside.] --- A Quack is as fit for a Pimp, as a Midwife for
3 a Baud; they are still but in their Way, both helpers of
4 Nature. --- Well, my dear Doctor, hast thou
5 done what I desired?
6 Quack. I have undone you for ever with the Women, and
7 reported you thro'out the whole Town as bad as an Eunuch,
8 with as much Trouble as if I had made you one in earnest.
9 Horner. But have you told all the Midwives you know, the
10 Orange Wenches at the Play-houses, the City Husbands, and
11 old Fumbling Keepers of this end of the Town, for they'll be
12 the readiest to report it.
13 Quack. I have told all the Chamber-maids, Waiting-women,
14 Tyre-women, and old Women of my Acquaintance; nay,
15 and whisper'd it as a Secret to'em, and to the Whisperers of
16 Whitehall; so that you need not doubt 'twill spread, and you
17 will be as odious to the handsome young Women, as---
18 Horner. As the small Pox.---Well---
19 Quack. And to the married Women of this end of the Town,
20 as---
21 Horner. As the great ones; nay, as their own Husbands.
22 Quack. And to the City Dames as Anniseed Robin, of filthy
23 and contemptible Memory; and they will frighten their Children
24 with your Name, especially their Females.
25 Horner. And cry Horner's coming to carry you away. I am only
26 afraid 'twill not be believ'd: you told'em 'twas by an English-French
27 disaster, and an English-French Chirurgeon, who has given me
28 at once, not only a Cure, but an Antidote for the future, against
29 that damn'd Malady, and that worse Distemper, Love, and all
30 other Womens Evils.
31 Quack. Your late journey into France has made it the more
32 credible, and your being here a Fortnight before you appear'd
33 in publick, looks as if you apprehended the Shame, which I
34 wonder you do not: Well I have been hired by young Gallants
35 to belye'em t'other way; but you are the first wou'd be thought
36 a Man unfit for Women.
37 Horner. Dear Mr. Doctor, let vain Rogues be contented only to
38 be thought abler Men than they are, generally 'tis all the
39 pleasure they have, but mine lies another Way.
40 Quack. You take, methinks, a very preposterous Way to it,
41 and as ridiculous as if we Operators in Physicks, should put
42 forth Bills to disparage our Medicaments, with hopes to gain
43 Customers.
44 Horner. Doctor, there are Quacks in Love, as well as Physick,
45 who get but the fewer and worse Patients, for their boasting;
46 a good Name is seldom got by giving it one's self, and Women
47 no more than Honour are compass'd by bragging: Come, come
48 Doctor, the wisest Lawyer never discovers the Merits of his
49 Cause till the Trial; the wealthiest Man conceals his Riches,
50 and the cunning Gamster his play; Shy Husbands and Keepers
51 like old Rooks, are not to be cheated, but by a new unpractis'd
52 Trick; false Friendship will pass now no more than false
53 Dice upon'em; no, not in the City.
54 Enter Boy.
55 Boy. There are two Ladies and a Gentleman coming up.
56 Horner. A Pox, some unbelieving Sisters of my former
57 Acquaintance, who, I am afraid, expect their Sense shou'd
58 be satisfy'd of the Falsity of the report. No---this formal Fool
59 and Women!
60 Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget, Lady Fidget,
61 and Mrs. Dainty Fidget.
62 Quack. His Wife and Sister.
63 Sir Jaspar Fidget. My Coach breaking just now before your Door,
64 Sir, I look upon as an occasional Reprimand to me, Sir, for not
65 kissing your Hands Sir, since your coming out of France Sir;
66 and so my Disaster, Sir, has been my good Fortune, Sir; and
67 this is my Wife and Sister, Sir.
68 Horner. What then, Sir?
69 Sir Jaspar Fidget. My Lady, and Sister, Sir.---Wife, this is Master
70 Horner.
71 Lady Fidget. Master Horner, Husband!
72 Sir Jaspar Fidget. My Lady, my Lady Fidget, Sir.
73 Horner. So, Sir.
74 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Won't you be acquainted with her Sir?
75 [Aside.] --- So the report is true, I find by his coldness or aversion
76 to the Sex; but I'll play the wag with him. --- Pray salute my Wife,
77 my Lady, Sir.
78 Horner. I will kiss no Man's Wife, Sir, for him, Sir; I have taken
79 my eternal leave, Sir, of the Sex already, Sir.
80 Sir Jaspar Fidget. [Aside.] --- Hah, hah, hah; I'll plague him yet. ---
81 Not know my Wife, Sir?
82 Horner. I do know your Wife, Sir, she's a Woman, Sir, and
83 consequently a Monster, Sir, a greater Monster than a Husband,
84 Sir.
85 Sir Jaspar Fidget. A Husband! how, Sir.
86 Horner. So, Sir; but I make no more Cuckolds, Sir. [Makes Horns.]
87 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Hah, hah, hah, Mercury, Mercury.
88 Lady Fidget. Pray, Sir Jaspar, let us be gone from this rude
89 fellow.
90 Mrs. Dainty Fidget. Who, by his Breeding, wou'd think, he had
91 ever been in France?
92 Lady Fidget. Foh, he's but too much a French Fellow, such as hate
93 Women of Quality and Virtue, for their Love to their
Husbands:
94 Sir Jaspar, a Woman is hated by'em as much for loving her
95 Husband, as for loving their Money: But pray let's be gone.
96 Horner. You do well, Madam, for I have nothing that you
97 came for: I have brought over not so much as a Bawdy Picture,
98 new Postures, nor the second Part of the Escole de Filles; nor---
99 Quack. [Apart to Horner.] --- Hold for shame, Sir! what d'y mean?
100 you'll ruine yourself for ever with the Sex. ---
101 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Hah, hah, hah, he hates Women perfectly I
102 find.
103 Mrs. Dainty Fidget. What pity 'tis he shou'd.
104 Lady Fidget. Ay, he's a base rude Fellow for't; but Affectation
105 makes not a Woman more odious to them, than Virtue.
106 Horner. Because your Virtue is your greatest Affectation, Madam.
107 Lady Fidget. How! you sawcy Fellow, wou'd you wrong my
108 Honour?
109 Horner. If I cou'd.
110 Lady Fidget. How d'ye mean, Sir?
111 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Hah, hah, hah, no he can't wrong your
112 Ladyship's Honour, upon my Honour; he poor Man --- hark you
113 in your Ear --- a mere Eunuch.
114 Lady Fidget. O filthy French Beast, foh, foh; why do we stay?
115 Let's be gone; I can't endure the sight of him.
116 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Stay, but till the Chairs come, they'll be here
117 presently.
118 Lady Fidget. No, no.
119 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Nor can I stay longer; 'Tis---let me see, a quarter
120 and a half quarter of a Minute past Eleven; the Council
121 will be set, I must away: Business must be preferr'd always
122 before Love and Ceremony with the wise Mr. Horner.
123 Horner. And the impotent, Sir Jaspar.
124 Sir Jaspar Fidget. Ay, ay, the impotent Master Horner, hah, ha, ha.
125 Lady Fidget. What, leave us with a filthy Man alone in his
126 Lodgings?
127 Sir Jaspar Fidget. He's an innocent Man now, you know: Pray
128 stay, I'll hasten the Chairs to you. --- Mr. Horner, your Servant,
129 I shou'd be glad to see you at my House. Pray, come and dine
130 with me, and play at Cards with my Wife after Dinner, you
131 are fit for Women at that Game yet, hah, hah --- [Aside] --- 'Tis as
132 much a Husband's Prudence to provide innocent Diversions
133 for a Wife, as to hinder her unlawful Pleasures; and he had
134 better employ her, than let her employ her self. --- Farewel.
135 Exit Sir Jaspar.
136 Horner. Your Servant Sir Jaspar.
137 Lady Fidget. I will not stay with him, foh---
138 Horner. Nay, Madam, I beseech you stay, if it be but to see
139 I can be as civil to Ladies yet as they wou'd desire.
140 Lady Fidget. No, no, foh, you cannot be civil to Ladies.
141 Mrs. Dainty Fidget. You as civil as Ladies wou'd desire?
142 Lady Fidget. No, no, no, foh, foh, foh.
143 Exeunt Lady Fidget and Dainty.
144 Quack. Now, I think, I, or you your self rather, have done
145 your Business with the Women.
146 Horner. Thou art an Ass: don't you see already upon the Report
147 and my Carriage, this grave Man of Business leaves his
148 Wife in my Lodgings, invites me to his House and Wife, who
149 before wou'd not be acquainted with me out of jealousy?
150 Quack. Nay, by this means you may be the more acquainted
151 with the Husbands, but the less with the Wives.
152 Horner. Let me alone; if I can but abuse the Husbands, I'll
153 soon disabuse the Wives: Stay---I'll reckon you up the Advantages,
154 I am like to have by my Stratagem: First, I shall be rid of all
155 my old Acquaintances, the most insatiable sort of Duns, that
156 invade our Lodgings in a Morning: And next to the Pleasure
157 of making a new Mistress, is that of being rid of an old one,
158 and of all old Debts; Love, when it comes to be so, is paid the
159 most unwillingly.
160 Quack. Well, you may be so rid of your old Acquaintances;
161 but how will you get any new Ones?
162 Horner. Doctor, thou wilt never make a good Chymist, thou
163 art so incredulous and impatient; ask but all the young Fellows
164 of the Town, if they do not lose more time, like Huntsmen,
165 in starting the Game, than in running it down: One
knows not
166 where to find'em. who will, or will not. Women of Quality
167 are so civil, you can hardly distinguish Love from good
168 Breeding, and a Man is often mistaken: but now I can
169 be sure, she that shews an Aversion to me loves the Sport,
170 as those Women that are gone, whom I warrant to be right.
171 And then the next thing is, your Women of Honour, as you
172 call'em, are only chary of their Reputations, not their Persons;
173 and 'tis scandal they wou'd avoid, not Men. Now may
174 I have, by the Reputation of an Eunuch, the Privileges of
175 one, and be seen in a Ladies Chamber, in a Morning as
176 early as her Husband; kiss Virgins before their Parents, or
177 Lovers; and may be in short the Passe-partout of the Town.
178 Now, Doctor.
179 Quack. Nay, now you shall be the Doctor; and your Process
180 is so new, that we do not know but it may succeed.
181 Horner. Not so new neither, Probatum est, Doctor.
182 Quack. Well, I wish you luck and many Patients whil'st I go
183 to mine.
184 Exit Quack.
185 Enter Harcourt, and Dorilant to Horner.
186 Harcourt. Come, your appearance at the Play yesterday, has
187 I hope hardned you for the future against the Womens contempt,
188 and the Mens raillery; and now you'll abroad as you
189 were wont.
190 Horner. Did I not bear it bravely?
191 Dorilant. With a most theatrical Impudence; nay more than
192 the Orange-Wenches shew there, or a drunken Vizard-Masque,
193 or a great belly'd Actress; nay, or the most impudent of
194 Creatures, an ill Poet; or what is yet more impudent, a
195 second-hand Critick.
196 Horner. But what say the Ladies, have they no pity?
197 Harcourt. What Ladies? the Vizard-Masques you know never
198 pity a Man when all's gone, though in their Service.
199 Dorilant. And for the Women in the Boxes, you'd never pity
200 them, when 'twas in your power.
201 Harcourt. They say, 'tis pity, but all that deal with common
202 Women shou'd be serv'd so.
203 Dorilant. Nay, I dare swear, they won't admit you to play at
204 Cards with them, go to Plays with'em, or do the little Duties
205 which other Shadows of Men, are wont to do for'em.
206 Horner. Who do you call Shadows of Men?
207 Dorilant. Half-Men.
208 Horner. What, Boys?
209 Dorilant. Ay your old Boys, old Beaux Garcons, who like
210 superannuated Stallions are suffer'd to run, feed, and whinney
211 with the Mares as long as they live, tho' they can do nothing else.
212 Horner. Well, a Pox on Love and Wenching. Women serve but
213 to keep a Man from better Company: Tho I can't enjoy
214 them, I shall you the more: Good Fellowship and Friendship
215 are lasting, rational and manly Pleasures.
216 Harcourt. For all that give me some of those pleasures you call
217 effeminate too: They help to relish one another.
218 Horner. They disturb one another.
219 Harcourt. No, Mistresses are like Books: if you pore upon them
220 too much, they doze you, and make you unfit for Company;
221 but if us'd discreetly, you are the fitter for Conversation by 'em.
222 Dorilant. A Mistress shou'd be like a little Country retreat near
223 the Town; not to dwell in constantly, but only for a Night,
224 and away, to taste the Town the better when a Man returns.
225 Horner. I tell you, 'tis as hard to be a good Fellow, a good
226 Friend, and a Lover of Women, as 'tis to be a good Fellow,
227 a good Friend, and a Lover of Money: You cannot follow
228 both, then chuse your side: Wine gives you Liberty, Love
229 takes it away.
230 Dorilant. Gad, he's in the right on't.
231 Horner. Wine gives you Joy; Love Grief and Tortures, besides
232 Surgeons: Wine makes us witty, Love only Sots: Wine makes
233 us sleep, Love breaks it.
234 Dorilant. By the World he has Reason, Harcourt.
235 Horner. Wine makes---
236 Dorilant. Ay, Wine makes us---makes us Princes, Love
237 makes us Beggars, poor Rogues, y'gad---and Wine---
238 Horner. So, there's one converted.---No, no, Love and
239 Wine, Oil and Vinegar.
240 Harcourt. I grant it; Love will still be uppermost.
241 Horner. Come, for my part I will have only those glorious,
242 manly Pleasures of being very drunk, and very slovenly.
243 Enter Boy.
244 Boy. Mr. Sparkish is below, Sir.
245 Harcourt. What, my dear Friend! a Rogue that is fond of me
246 only, I think, for abusing him.
247 Dorilant. No, he can no more think the Men laugh at him, than
248 that Women jilt him, his Opinion of himself is so good.
249 Horner. Well, there's another Pleasure by Drinking; I thought
250 not of; I shall lose his Acquaintance, because he cannot
251 drink; and you know 'tis a very hard thing to be rid of
252 him, for he's one of those nauseous Offerers at Wit, who like
253 the worst Fiddlers, run themselves into all Companies.
254 Harcourt. One, that by being in the Company of Men of sense
255 wou'd pass for one.
256 Horner. And may so to the short-sighed World, as a false Jewel
257 amongst true ones, is not discern'd at a distance; his Company
258 is as troublesome to us, as a Cuckold's, when you have
259 a mind to his Wife's.
260 Harcourt. No, the Rogue will not let us enjoy one another, but
261 ravishes our Conversation, though he signifies no more to't,
262 than Sir Martin Marall's gaping, and awkard thrumming upon
263 the Lute, does to his Man's Voice and Musick.
264 Dorilant. And to pass for a Wit in Town, shewes himself a Fool
265 every Night to us, that are guilty of the Plot.
266 Horner. Such wits as he, are, to a Company of reasonable Men,
267 like Rooks to the Gamesters, who only fill a room at the Table,
268 but are so far from contributing to the Play, that they
269 only serve to spoil the Fancy of those that do.
270 Dorilant. Nay, they are us'd like Rooks too, snubb'd, check'd,
271 and abus'd; yet the Rogues will hang on.
272 Horner. A Pox on'em, and all that force Nature, and wou'd be
273 still what she forbids'em; Affectation is her greatest Monster.
274 Harcourt. Most Men are the contraries to that they wou'd
275 seem: your bully you see, is a Coward with a long Sword;
276 the little humbly fawning Physician, with his Ebony cane,
277 is he that destroys Men.
278 Dorilant. The Usurer, a poor Rogue, possess'd of moldy
279 Bonds, and Mortgages; and we they call Spendthrifts, are
280 only wealthy, who lay out his Money upon daily new
281 Purchases of Pleasure.
282 Horner. Ay, your errantest Cheat, is your Trustee, or Executor;
283 your jealous Man, the greatest Cuckold; your Church-man,
284 the greatest Atheist; and your noisy pert Rogue of a wit, the
285 greatest Fop, dullest Ass, and worst Company as you shall see:
286 For here he comes.
287 Enter Sparkish to them.
288 Sparkish. How is't, Sparks, how is't? Well Faith, Harry, I
289 must rally thee a little, ha, ha, ha, upon the Report in Town
290 of thee; ha, ha, ha: I can't hold y'faith; shall I speak?
291 Horner. Yes; but you'l be so bitter then.
292 Sparkish. Honest Dick and Frank here shall answer for me; I
293 will not be extreme bitter by the Universe.
294 Harcourt. We will be bound in ten-thousand-pound Bond, he
295 shall not be bitter at all.
296 Dorilant. Nor sharp, nor sweet.
297 Horner. What, not down-right insipid?
298 Sparkish. Nay then, since you are so brisk, and provoke me,
299 take what follows: You must know, I was discoursing and
300 rallying with some Ladies yesterday, and they happen'd to
301 talk of the fine new Signs in Town.
302 Horner. Very fine Ladies, I believe.
303 Sparkish. Said I, I know where the best new sign is. Where?
304 says one of the Ladies. In Covent-Garden, I reply'd. Said
305 another, in what Street? In Russel-street, answer'd I. Lord, says
306 another, I'm sure there was never a fine new Sign there
307 yesterday. Yes, but there was, said I again; and it came out of
308 France, and has been there a fortnight.
309 Dorilant. A pox, I can hear no more, prithee.
310 Horner. No hear him out; let him tune his Crowd a while.
311 Harcourt. The worst Music, the greatest Preparation.
312 Sparkish. Nay faith, I'll make you laugh. It cannot be, says a
313 third Lady. Yes, yes, quoth I again. Says a fourth Lady---
314 Horner. Look to't, we'l have no more Ladies.
315 Sparkish. No.---then mark, mark, now: Said I to the fourth,
316 did you never see Mr. Horner? he lodges in Russel-street, and
317 he's a sign of a Man, you know, since he came out of France;
318 heh, hah, he.
319 Horner. But the Devil take me, if thine be the Sign of a Jest.
320 Sparkish. With that they all fell a laughing, till they bepiss'd
321 themselves. What, but it does not move you, methinks? Well, I
322 see, one had as good go to Law without a Witness, as break a
323 Jest without a Laugher on one's Side.---Come, come Sparks;
324 but where do we dine? I have left at Whitehall an Earl, to dine
325 with you.
326 Dorilant. Why, I thought thou hadst lov'd a Man with a Title
327 better than a Suit with a French trimming to't.
328 Harcourt. Go, to him again.
329 Sparkish. No, Sir, a Wit to me is the greatest Title in the World.
330 Horner. But go dine with your Earl, Sir; he may be exceptious;
331 we are your Friends, and will not take it ill to be left,
332 I do assure you.
333 Harcourt. Nay, faith he shall go to him.
334 Sparkish. Nay, pray Gentlemen.
335 Dorilant. We'l thrust you out, if you won't; what, disappoint
336 any-body for us?
337 Sparkish. Nay, dear Gentlemen, hear me.
338 Horner. No, no, Sir, by no Means; pray go Sir.
339 Sparkish. Why, dear Rogues---
340 [They all thrust him out of the room.]
341 Dorilant. No, no.
342 All. Ha, ha, ha.
343 [Sparkish returns.]
344 Sparkish. But, Sparks, pray hear me. What d'ye think I'll eat
345 there with gay shallow Fops, and silent Coxcombs? I think Wit
346 as necessary at Dinner as a glass of good Wine, and that's the
347 Reason I never have any Stomach when I eat alone.---Come,
348 but where do we dine?
349 Horner. Ev'n where you will.
350 Sparkish. At Chateline's?
351 Dorilant. Yes, if you will.
352 Sparkish. Or at the Cock.
353 Dorilant. Yes, if you please.
354 Sparkish. Or at the Dog and Partridge?
355 Horner. Ay, if you have mind to't, for we shall dine at neither.
356 Sparkish. Pshaw, with your Fooling we shall loose the new
357 Play; and I wou'd no more miss seeing a new Play the first
358 Day, than I wou'd miss sitting in the Wits Row. Therefore I'll
359 go fetch my Mistress and away.
360
Exit Sparkish.
361 Manent Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant;
362 Enter to them Mr. Pinchwife.
363 Horner. Who have we here, Pinchwife?
364 Mr. Pinchwife. Gentlemen, your humble Servant.
365 Horner. Well, Jack, by thy long Absence from the Town, the
366 Grumness of thy Countenance, and the Slovenliness of thy Habit;
367 I shou'd give thee joy, shou'd I not, of Marriage?
368 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] Death! does he know I'm married too? I thought
369 to have conceal'd it from him at least. --- My long stay in the Country
370 will excuse my Dress, and I have a Suit of Law, that brings me up to
371 Town, that puts me out of humour: Besides I must give Sparkish
372 to-morrow five thousand pound to lie with my Sister.
373 Horner. Nay, you Country Gentlemen, rather than not purchase,
374 will buy any thing; and he is a crack'd Title, if we may quibble:
375 Well, but am I to give thee Joy? I heard thou wert marry'd.
376 Mr. Pinchwife. What then?
377 Horner. Why, the next thing that is to be heard, is thou'rt a Cuckold.
378 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] Insupportable Name!
379 Horner. But I did not expect Marriage from such a Whoremaster
380 as you, one that knew the Town so much, and Women so well.
381 Mr. Pinchwife. Why, I have marry'd no London Wife.
382 Horner. Pshaw, that's all one, that grave Circumspection in marrying
383 a Country Wife, is like refusing a deceitful pamper'd Smithfield Jade,
384 to go and be cheated by a Friend in the Country.
385 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] A Pox on him and his Simile. --- At least we
386 are a little surer of the Breed there, know what her Keeping has been,
387 whether soil'd or unsound.
388 Horner. Come, come, I have known a clap gotten in Wales; and
there are
389 Cousins, Justices, Clerks, and Chaplains in the Country, I won't say
390 Coachmen. But she's handsome and young? 391 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] I'll answer as I shou'd do. ---
392 No, no, she has no Beauty, but her Youth; no Attraction, but
393 her Modesty, wholesome, homely, and huswifely, that's all.
394 Dorilant. He talks as like a Grazier as he looks.
395 Mr. Pinchwife. She's too awkward, ill favour'd, and silly to bring to
396 Town.
397 Harcourt. Then methinks you shou'd bring her, to be taught breeding.
398 Mr. Pinchwife. To be taught! No, Sir, I thank you, good Wives, and
399 private Soldiers shou'd be ignorant. --- [Aside.] I'll keep her from
400 your instructions, I warrant you.
401 Harcourt. [Aside.] The Rogue is as jealous, as if his Wife were not
402 ignorant.
403 Horner. Why, if she be ill favour'd, there will be less Danger here
404 for you, than by leaving her in the Country; we have such Variety
405 of Dainties, that we are seldom hungry.
406 Dorilant. But they have alwayes coarse, constant, swinging stomachs
407 in the Country.
408 Harcourt. Foul Feeders indeed!
409 Dorilant. And your Hospitality is great there.
410 Harcourt. Open House; every Man's welcome.
411 Mr. Pinchwife. So, so, Gentlemen.
412 Horner. But prithee, why shoud'st thou marry her? if she be ugly,
413 ill bred, and silly, she must be rich then?
414 Mr. Pinchwife. As rich as if she brought me twenty thousand Pounds
415 out of this Town; for she'll be as sure not to spend her moderate
416 Portion, as a London Baggage wou'd be to spend hers, let it be what
417 it wou'd: So 'tis all one. Then because she's ugly, she's the likelier
418 to be my own; and being ill bred, she'll hate Conversation; and
419 since silly and innocent, will not know the Difference betwixt a Man
420 of one and twenty, and one of forty.
421 Horner. Nine,---to my knowledge; but if she be silly, she'll expect
422 as much from a Man of forty-nine, as from him of one and twenty:
423 But methinks Wit is more necessary than Beauty, and I think no young
424 Woman ugly that has it, and no handsome Woman agreable without it.
425 Mr. Pinchwife. 'Tis my Maxim, he's a Fool that marries, but he's a
426 greater that does not marry a Fool: What is Wit in a Wife good for,
427 but to make a Man a Cuckold?
428 Horner. Yes, to keep it from his Knowledge.
429 Mr. Pinchwife. A Fool cannot contrive to make her husband a Cuckold.
430 Horner. No, but she'll club with a Man that can: and what is
431 worse, if she cannot make her Husband a Cuckold, she'll make
432 him jealous, and pass for one; and then 'tis all one.
433 Mr. Pinchwife. Well, well, I'll take care for one: My Wife shall make
434 me no Cuckold, though she had your help Mr. Horner; I understand
435 the Town, Sir.
436 Dorilant. [Aside.] His help!
437 Harcourt. [Aside.] He's come newly to Town it seems, and has not
438 heard how things are with him.
439 Horner. But tell me, has Marriage cured thee of whoring, which
440 it seldom does?
441 Harcourt. 'Tis more than Age can do.
442 Horner. No; the word is, I'll marry and live honest: but a
443 Marriage Vow is like a penitent Gamester's Oath, and entering
444 into Bonds, and Penalties to stint himself to such a particular
445 small Sum at play for the future, which makes him but the
446 more eager; and not being able to hold out, loses his Money
447 again, and his Forfeit to boot.
448 Dorilant. Ay, ay, a Gamester will be a Gamester, whilst his
449 Money lasts; and a Whore-master, whilst his Vigour.
450 Harcourt. Nay, I have known'em, when they are broke and
451 can lose no more, keep a fumbling with the Box in their
452 Hands to fool with only, and hinder other Gamesters.
453 Dorilant. That had wherewithal to make lusty stakes.
454 Mr. Pinchwife. Well, Gentlemen, you may laugh at me, but you
455 shall never lie with my Wife! I know the Town.
456 Horner. But prithee, was not the way you were in better? Is
457 not keeping better than Marriage?
458 Mr. Pinchwife. A Pox on't; the Jades wou'd jilt me, I cou'd never
459 keep a Whore to myself.
460 Horner. So then you only marry'd to keep a Whore to yourself;
461 well, but let me tell you, Women, as you say, are like
462 Soldiers, made constant and loyal by good Pay, rather than
463 by Oaths and Covenants: Therefore I'd advise my Friends to
464 keep rather than marry; since too I find, by your example,
465 it does not serve one's turn, for I saw you yesterday in the
466 eighteen-penny Place with a pretty Country-wench?
467 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] How the Devil, did he see my Wife then?
468 I sat there that she might not be seen: But she shall never go to a
469 Play again.
470 Horner. What, dost thou blush at nine and forty, for having
471 been seen with a Wench?
472 Dorilant. No Faith, I warrant 'twas his Wife, which he seated
473 there out of sight, for he's a cunning Rogue, and understands
474 the Town.
475 Harcourt. He blushes: Then 'twas his Wife; for Men are now
476 more ashamed to be seen with them in publick, than with a
477 Wench.
478 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] Hell and Damnation! I'm undone, since
479 Horner has seen her, and they know 'twas she.
480 Horner. But prithee, was it thy Wife? she was exceedingly
481 pretty; I was in love with her at that distance.
482 Mr. Pinchwife. You are like never to be nearer to her. Your Servant,
483 Gentlemen. 484 Offers to go.
485 Hor, Nay, prithee stay.
486 Mr. Pinchwife. I cannot, I will not.
487 Horner. Come you shall dine with us.
488 Mr. Pinchwife. I have din'd already.
489 Horner. Come, I know thou hast not: I'll treat thee, dear
490 Rogue; thou shan't spend none of thy Hampshire Money today.
491 Mr. Pinchwife. [Aside.] Treat me! So, he uses me already like
492 his Cuckold.
493 Horner. Nay, you shall not go.
494 Mr. Pinchwife. I must; I have Business at home.
495 Exit Pinchwife.
496 Harcourt. To beat his Wife. He's as jealous of her, as a Cheapside
497 Husband of a Covent-Garden Wife.
498 Horner. Why, 'tis as hard to find an old Whoremaster without
499 Jealousy and the Gout, as a young one without Fear, or
500 the Pox.
501 As Gout in Age, from Pox in Youth proceeds;
502 So Wenching past, then Jealousy succeeds;
503 The worst disease that Love and Wenching breeds.
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